The story of the unfurnished room

Our brain has a way of protecting ourselves by keeping us from remembering all pieces of a traumatic experience or time in our lives. A lot of parts of my first marriage are blurry, just glimpses of time that sometimes pop up, just little bits of certain moments. Not knowing when it happened, why or where along that part of my life it was. Some of it is such a blur...but there is one moment that is played over and over.

We had this nice house, with almost all of the rooms furnished but one. It was to the left when you walked in the front door...I guess what you might call the sitting room. It was carpeted, with a railing around the wall. The rest of the house was furnished with little decor but nice furniture. 

I don't know what I did to set him off in the middle of the day, but I was thrown against the wall in that unfurnished room. My whole body going up in the air and across the room until I hit the railing on the wall and then slid down. Before I could get up I was being kicked. In the stomach. In the back. I fought for him to stop, but he just yelled "crazy bitch" at me and some other things I don't remember.

The next moment his hands were around my neck, choking me. I do remember thinking, this is it. He's going to kill me. I fought and I scratched for what seemed forever. I don't know why, but he let go. Walked upstairs and went to bed. 

I was too scared to call anyone. I may have not been able to. One time he broke my phone on the kitchen floor - but I don't remember if that was this same day.

I went upstairs and laid on the bonus room couch, blankly watching TV. After he woke up, he came in, laid his head in my lap with his pillow, like nothing ever happened. I was too scared to move. The only thing that lingered were the bruises on my neck.

Talking my stories out

My dear friend Amanda McNeal took these photos of me a few weeks back. She drew the sketch out and had her art in mind and I had no idea what she would create from the images. After looking at the picture and studying it, I see how it was perfectly meant for me. The current Carla has a healthy and happy life moving forward in time, but she also drags the old me behind her, looking over her, trying to save her. I have nightmares, a lot of them, so my subconscious cannot escape my past. The present me carries the past me on her shoulders every day. My psychiatrist told me that I haven't "talked them to death" - meaning I haven't shared my painful stories enough to just get them out.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Thankfully there is medication that helps me with these mental sicknesses. There are several reasons I believe I struggle from both - one genes, and the other the events of my life so far. I have decided to change the theme of this blog to being pieces of my story. I hope that one, it allows healing for me, and two, that it opens the door for others to also talk about their story, common experiences, or current struggles.

A lot of these stories I will use fictitious names to give others privacy. I hope that whoever reads this will benefit in some way, or can share it with someone else who may just need to hear that they are not alone.

Time to let go,

Carla

A Miracle In the Making

If you go back a few blogs, you'll see that over 2 years ago we were told we only had a 5-10% chance of ever having another baby. That is why I call this baby our Miracle #2. Actually, if you actually learn the ins and outs of what REALLY has to happen to make a baby...ALL babies are miracles. I've been so open with our journey so far - infertility and adoption - I shouldn't stop now. So, I'll share this baby's story.

In December/January, I decided that I had to do the most extensive of fertility treatments so I knew we had done everything that we could to have a biological baby. So, we started down the IVF road. You have to attend a class and pay lots of money up front. (In some states, infertility treatments are covered by insurance; Tennessee is NOT one of those states).

We got started on injections, and for me this consisted of up to 3 shots in the morning in my abdomen and 3-4 shots in the evening. I took the highest dosages for egg stimulation as possible. They want you to have at least 5 mature eggs for you to continue the IVF cycle, so there is a better chance of conception.

The spread...

A friend took half the dosage I did and got 27 eggs! Me... after 10-12 days of shots, I had ONE. So, our nurse asked us if we wanted to cancel this cycle & try again. I knew that this was our only go with all the medications and the cost, so we did cancel the IVF (no choice since only 1 egg) and instead did an IUI - intrauterine insemination.  This was our 4th IUI in about 2 years. A week after the IUI you give yourself another shot to help the uterus to sustain a viable pregnancy, and then you have to wait another 3 weeks after that to take a pregnancy test.

The night before I was due to take my test, it took forever to fall asleep. I knew in the morning I'd have to test and see the same negative sign I've seen for the past 4-5 years. I dreamed I dropped all my tests in the toilet by accident - very stressful! When I woke up, on February 5th, Brian was already gone to the office. I took TWO tests, laid them on the sink, then got back in bed. Kenna woke up and got in bed with me then I had to get up to take Abby out. I walked into the bathroom - and I was frozen to see 2 tests with 2 pink strips! I could NOT believe my eyes. I just stared for what seemed an hour with Abby whining at my feet. I go outside and call Brian...I say "well, I took my test..." He said "yeah...are you ok?" I about yelled "IT WAS POSITIVE!". I don't think I worked a lick that day.

Doctors don't always know the answer. 5% is STILL 5%. Have faith.

As for the adoption, they had to close our case after we were past the 1st trimester. We didn't get any of our fees that we paid in back, but we do get a discount if we decide to adopt in the next 3 years. I was sad the day the closed our case. We still have a heart for adoption. It was just a little over a  year ago we thought a baby was coming into our home in just 3 weeks, but then the birth mother changed her mind. We may have our plans, but God has the master plan! 

Why does God...??

"Why does God want my cousins to have 3 kids in their family?" Kenna asked me on our way to church yesterday morning.

She first asked "Why are there 3 kids in my cousins family?"

"That's how many babies Aunt Jess had."

"Why?"

"Because that's how many God wanted their family to have"

...

"Mama, can we have 3 kids in our family?"

"Yes, if that's what God wants. We have to wait and see how many kids God wants in our family. But we know he wanted us to have you!"

...

Kenna - "Waiting is no fun".

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She is right. Waiting is no fun; especially when you are waiting on something you want SO BADLY.  It is so hard to comprehend why God chooses our struggles specifically for us. I believe God has chosen me to go through certain trials in my life so that I can share them with others; so that they may have a soft place to land by confiding in me their own struggles. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused and cheated on in my first marriage. I have suffered the loss of 3 unborn babies. I lost my best friend, my Daddy, almost 5 years ago to lung cancer. I suffer from depression and anxiety. And now we are trying to have a 2nd child, for 3 years now. I have had so many conversations with people because I have been through these things. I can empathize, understand, and listen with an open heart and mind. I don't always comprehend at the time "why me", but God has a way of showing his perfect timing in the end.

We are still waiting to adopt and still trying to have a baby "naturally" despite our odds. Our view is that "whatever God brings us first". I take NINETEEN pills a day for fertility boosting. (Don't worry - they're all safe). These include various vitamins, supplements and antioxidants, along with Chinese herbs. I have been going to a fertility acupuncturist once a week since last fall. So...I guess I am trying to "assist" God in bringing a baby! ;)

It was fitting that Kenna asked me "Why does God..." yesterday, as it was Daddy's birthday. I question so often why God took Daddy from this earth before he met Kenna, a child that would have made his whole world! But God also brought us Kenna at a time in our lives that were the hardest - we found out we were pregnant with Kenna just 2 weeks before Daddy passed. He has His perfect timing.

So, we wait.

Simultaneously Moving Forward

In a week from tonight, Brian and I will be attending an informational meeting at an adoption agency we are leaning towards - Bethany Christian Services.  I am excited and scared.  There are so many questions, yet, I don't know how to put the questions I have into words.  

Lately there have been a lot of "signs" pointing us towards adoption, which I feel we are destined to end up.  I met a lady at Kenna's gymnastics class who just adopted a baby boy, a precious baby boy, who is HER SON.  She is HIS MAMA.  Just seeing her hold him and love on him...there is no doubt.  She also has a biological daughter, but after finding out she had a chromosome issue, they decided to adopt instead of having another biological child. We happened to run into her and her family out to eat one night - completely random.  I think it was a sign. At the mall, at church, at preschool, at the Y today - I have seen so many parents with children that they have adopted (obviously).  AND, I received an email from a client with a link to his wife's blog about the story of adopting their baby girl after the wife struggled with secondary infertility after their first child because of endometriosis...ring a bell?

One of my biggest concerns with adoption is the nature vs nurture issue.  However, just because I didn't know all of Brian's ancestors (or mine for that matter), it didn't keep me from having a baby with him.  Plus, I know I have certain issues (anxiety & depression - which I take medication for and it stays under control, lung cancer runs in my dad's side, and horrible vision to name a few), but that didn't stop me from having Kenna, or trying to have another one.  EVERY family has their "issues", right?  We ALL have problems we have to deal with.  So, what is the difference in raising a child whom's genes I don't know exactly?  We are ALL God's children.  We are ALL different.  I think I just answered my own question.

So, the title is "simultaneously moving forward" - that's because I'm also taking medicine for fertility treatments.  Daily right now I take prescribed Estrace and Progesterone.  This is a certain protocol that is supposed to trick my body into doing what it should do on it's on, then try and get pregnant before it figures out that's not how it normally operates.  I also take recommended supplements and vitamins daily that make my purse sound like a walking medicine basket - CoQ10 (3x day), DHEA (3x day), prenatal vitamins, fish oil, and L-Arginine.   After this cycle (or the next) with all these meds, we are planning on doing one more IUI with Clomid.  I have come to terms that IVF is not for us.  

So, with all that said - WE ARE MOVING FORWARD.  I no longer feel stuck.  God is with us in our journey.  We are not alone.  I make a conscience effort to remember this every day, but it does bring some peace to some extent.  I also have a cute blonde headed green eyed little girl that makes things brighter :)  Thank God for her. 

The Continued Journey - Decisions, Decisions

Today, I am feeling stuck, yet all over the place with my emotions and thoughts.  I just need to write to get them all out, and pray at the same time.  

We did an IUI 2 weeks ago with Clomid - but, a negative pregnancy test this past Monday.  I kind of expected that, as in I didn't feel pregnant, but still, heartbroken.  

Today we had lunch with our Pastor to talk about the infertility and adoption.  He had some great insight, and some special stories to tell.  Talking to him was helpful, just to get some feelings out helps. This is such an emotional journey, with the only answers coming from yourself and God.  I think I'm a little bit in denial.  I mean, I've gotten pregnant 3 times in my life!  Granted, only 1 baby survived (a miracle apparently).  Sometimes I think maybe God gave my whole family Kenna at a time when we needed her most.  We found out we were pregnant with her 2 weeks before Daddy passed away.  It gave us joy in the midst of sorrow.

We know we want to do another IUI - the NP has a different protocol she wants to try with the 2nd one - some different medicines.  Now I'm trying to decide if I want to do an IVF too if the 2nd IUI doesn't work, even with the low chance I have been given that it would work (10-15% chance - but that's still a chance, right??).  The thing that holds me back from the IVF is the cost.  And we discussed that with our Pastor today too.  He said to think about it this way, either way you won't lose - you'll either have a baby at the end, or resolve that you did everything you could.  Either way, that is a lifelong purchase.  And if you amortize it out (like accountants do) not even a dollar a day for the rest of your life for that.  

Then part of me would be sad if we didn't adopt because I got pregnant.  Maybe somehow, by God's grace and a miracle, we do have another biological baby, would we still adopt anyway one day?  I wanted to be pregnant again...we were not going to find out the next time, wait until the baby was born to see if it's a boy or girl.  How exciting would that be???  And I loved being pregnant, BUT, a baby is a baby.  I don't love Kenna because she grew in my belly and she has my DNA.  I love her because we raise her. We love her.  We take care of her.  She is ours.  

Do we try the IVF, after another IUI?  Do we just move on if the next IUI doesn't work?  Can I completely shut the door emotionally on "doing all we could" for another biological child?  I don't know.  I need to pray about it.  Think about it.  Please pray for us to have clarity over the next few months, and patience with ourselves.

5-10% chance

We were told we have a 5-10% chance of IVF working, and even if it did, only a 10-15% chance of sustaining a pregnancy. All this boils down to the fact that my ovarian reserve (egg count) is extremely low. "I have nothing in my bag of tricks" he said. Such a blow. Such a heart break. I bawled as we left the office. I thought they would say "we'll just do this, you take this medicine and BAM! You'll have a baby!" My heart is broken.
We are going to do 3 cycles with Clomid, but after busy season because of the side effects. He also suggested some vitamin supplements which I'm going to try.
Right now, I'm still in shock and still trying to digest the news. I'm having a hard time accepting that at 32 I may not be able to get pregnant again.
Adoption is an option. But, I have to close the door on infertility before I can emotionally move forward with adoption. That is a long emotional road all in itself.
I walked in "the baby's room" in our house yesterday for something. The crib, bassinet and baby toys are all in there waiting. It hurt all over again.
Don't get me wrong. I know how blessed we are with Kenna. She is such an amazing child and I'm so proud she is mine. I think about how much I love my sister, how much Brian loves his siblings, and I want that for Kenna too.
Thank you for your sweet messages and your prayers. They are needed and so appreciated.
Love,
Carla