Simultaneously Moving Forward

In a week from tonight, Brian and I will be attending an informational meeting at an adoption agency we are leaning towards - Bethany Christian Services.  I am excited and scared.  There are so many questions, yet, I don't know how to put the questions I have into words.  

Lately there have been a lot of "signs" pointing us towards adoption, which I feel we are destined to end up.  I met a lady at Kenna's gymnastics class who just adopted a baby boy, a precious baby boy, who is HER SON.  She is HIS MAMA.  Just seeing her hold him and love on him...there is no doubt.  She also has a biological daughter, but after finding out she had a chromosome issue, they decided to adopt instead of having another biological child. We happened to run into her and her family out to eat one night - completely random.  I think it was a sign. At the mall, at church, at preschool, at the Y today - I have seen so many parents with children that they have adopted (obviously).  AND, I received an email from a client with a link to his wife's blog about the story of adopting their baby girl after the wife struggled with secondary infertility after their first child because of endometriosis...ring a bell?

One of my biggest concerns with adoption is the nature vs nurture issue.  However, just because I didn't know all of Brian's ancestors (or mine for that matter), it didn't keep me from having a baby with him.  Plus, I know I have certain issues (anxiety & depression - which I take medication for and it stays under control, lung cancer runs in my dad's side, and horrible vision to name a few), but that didn't stop me from having Kenna, or trying to have another one.  EVERY family has their "issues", right?  We ALL have problems we have to deal with.  So, what is the difference in raising a child whom's genes I don't know exactly?  We are ALL God's children.  We are ALL different.  I think I just answered my own question.

So, the title is "simultaneously moving forward" - that's because I'm also taking medicine for fertility treatments.  Daily right now I take prescribed Estrace and Progesterone.  This is a certain protocol that is supposed to trick my body into doing what it should do on it's on, then try and get pregnant before it figures out that's not how it normally operates.  I also take recommended supplements and vitamins daily that make my purse sound like a walking medicine basket - CoQ10 (3x day), DHEA (3x day), prenatal vitamins, fish oil, and L-Arginine.   After this cycle (or the next) with all these meds, we are planning on doing one more IUI with Clomid.  I have come to terms that IVF is not for us.  

So, with all that said - WE ARE MOVING FORWARD.  I no longer feel stuck.  God is with us in our journey.  We are not alone.  I make a conscience effort to remember this every day, but it does bring some peace to some extent.  I also have a cute blonde headed green eyed little girl that makes things brighter :)  Thank God for her. 

The Continued Journey - Decisions, Decisions

Today, I am feeling stuck, yet all over the place with my emotions and thoughts.  I just need to write to get them all out, and pray at the same time.  

We did an IUI 2 weeks ago with Clomid - but, a negative pregnancy test this past Monday.  I kind of expected that, as in I didn't feel pregnant, but still, heartbroken.  

Today we had lunch with our Pastor to talk about the infertility and adoption.  He had some great insight, and some special stories to tell.  Talking to him was helpful, just to get some feelings out helps. This is such an emotional journey, with the only answers coming from yourself and God.  I think I'm a little bit in denial.  I mean, I've gotten pregnant 3 times in my life!  Granted, only 1 baby survived (a miracle apparently).  Sometimes I think maybe God gave my whole family Kenna at a time when we needed her most.  We found out we were pregnant with her 2 weeks before Daddy passed away.  It gave us joy in the midst of sorrow.

We know we want to do another IUI - the NP has a different protocol she wants to try with the 2nd one - some different medicines.  Now I'm trying to decide if I want to do an IVF too if the 2nd IUI doesn't work, even with the low chance I have been given that it would work (10-15% chance - but that's still a chance, right??).  The thing that holds me back from the IVF is the cost.  And we discussed that with our Pastor today too.  He said to think about it this way, either way you won't lose - you'll either have a baby at the end, or resolve that you did everything you could.  Either way, that is a lifelong purchase.  And if you amortize it out (like accountants do) not even a dollar a day for the rest of your life for that.  

Then part of me would be sad if we didn't adopt because I got pregnant.  Maybe somehow, by God's grace and a miracle, we do have another biological baby, would we still adopt anyway one day?  I wanted to be pregnant again...we were not going to find out the next time, wait until the baby was born to see if it's a boy or girl.  How exciting would that be???  And I loved being pregnant, BUT, a baby is a baby.  I don't love Kenna because she grew in my belly and she has my DNA.  I love her because we raise her. We love her.  We take care of her.  She is ours.  

Do we try the IVF, after another IUI?  Do we just move on if the next IUI doesn't work?  Can I completely shut the door emotionally on "doing all we could" for another biological child?  I don't know.  I need to pray about it.  Think about it.  Please pray for us to have clarity over the next few months, and patience with ourselves.

Gray Hair & "Old" Ovaries

I found my first gray hair at 17 years old. I would now estimate about 40% of my hair to be gray. Thank goodness for hairstylists and hair color that hide it. That's an easy fix.

However, being told this past week that my ovaries look older than I am, well, that isn't an easy fix. Apparently my ovaries look like I'm 40 based on an ultrasound that was done last Wednesday - and I'm 32. I also had some blood work done which the results came in yesterday and confirmed the original prognosis. They tested my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) level, which came back at a "very low" 0.3 ng/mL which, according to the Nurse Practitioner, they want to be at least a 1.0. Simply put, this test measures the number of eggs you have left.

Needless to say, I'm blind-sided with this new information. I mean, I knew there was something probably going on, like my endometriosis causing the infertility issues, and we could do a simple IUI (intra uterine insemination) and all would be dandy and I'd be pregnant! The NP said that there is hope but they would want to be very aggressive with my fertility treatments if we choose to do any. I asked if it was something that I did, and she said no, that sometimes it's genetics and sometimes they just don't know the cause of low AMH levels.  

We will go back in about 2 weeks and have another test done that will show if there is any scarring in my uterus from my C-Section with Kenna or from my endometriosis. This will give light on whether or not a baby would be able to attach itself to the lining.   

I do encourage anyone who is trying to get pregnant, and has not gotten pregnant in 6 months of actively (ovulation tests, charting, timing, etc) trying to consider getting a fertility consult done. It will not hurt anything to just know if there is something going on. I thought I had to at least 35 until I'd have to worry, but now, at 32, time is of the essence for me.  

I know deep down we are not done growing our family, I'm just not sure which path we will take to get there. I am so thankful to have a wonderful & supportive husband, a loving family,  and great friends and co-workers to talk to and lean on. But most of all, an almighty God who knows what is best. We will have some BIG decisions to make in the next month or so, so I ask for prayers of guidance and peace for us.