The Story of Praying

Well, you almost had me fooled

Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

He and I were separated the majority of our marriage, either by choice or because of his incarceration for various reasons. At one point while he was in jail, he would call me collect on my cell a lot, promising changes, a different life, how much he realized he loved me, how he would change. He wrote letters, sent them to my office. Some were love letters, and some were more threatening letters where he would address the letter to me using my maiden name opposed to my married name, his last name. It was just another way to mess with my head, my heart, push me like only he knew how.

As a Christian, I struggled with getting divorced and if I would be sinning. I read verse after verse in the Bible late at night as I lay in my childhood bedroom in my parent's house. Some nights convincing myself that it was ok to get divorced, other nights convincing myself it was ok to stay and what I SHOULD do. I did not want to sin against God, I didn't want to be considered an adulterer if I got remarried one day. I prayed daily, nightly, sometimes hourly - "GOD - WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???" I would ask for signs. Play mind games with myself. If he says such & such tonight, I'll stay. If he doesn't say such & such I won't. If we go a week without him calling me a crazy bitch, if he hurts me one more time, if he comes home by 9pm, the list goes on and on. I just needed an answer, and I wasn't strong enough to make that decision for myself. Obviously, one day I made that decision, and that's for another story. 

I do believe that part of forgiving someone, or the real attempts to, involve praying for them. Praying for you. So sometimes I do pray for him. I pray that he turns his life around. I pray he quits drinking, that he realizes he is a child of God and he is loved and he is worthy of better. He may act like he is IT, but deep down I know he is a broken soul. Unfortunately it doesn't seem that way as of right now. I pray for the children he has had and left fatherless in the biological sense, for the women he's left to support children without the child support they deserve. I don't think I'll be able to ever completely forgive him. I just was telling Brian yesterday about how I was going to write this, and said - "How can I forgive someone who after 11 years of being divorced from, I'm still blogging about, having nightmares from, still healing from?" That's why Kesha's new song and her lyrics are so powerful - some things only God can forgive. 

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive