Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Daddy Update

I went with my parents on the 6th to Daddy’s dr. appt. We thought that they would have the results from a test to see if he was eligible for a clinical drug. However, the results were not in. Daddy told the doctor what physical problems he was having, including cough, painful joints, headaches and swelling. There were not many answers.

Last week he and Mama met with his radiology doctor. Daddy said that he prescribed him something for his cough, something to relieve his painful joints, and an antidepressant. I really hope that all of these help because he has been in so much pain it is hard for him to walk or simply get out of a chair, and his spirits are very low and often cries.

He has another scan on March 13th which will tell us more. The last scan showed that the cancer had not grown, but also has not shrunk. They (all the doctors) will determine the next step from there. Daddy also goes to a neurological doctor tomorrow to see if he can be released to take some tests so that he can “legally” drive. This would be such a small victory for him.

This past weekend he spent in Hickman Co in the new "Camp Cotham". For those of you who don't know, Daddy was in the process of building a new cabin when he had his stroke last July. It is almost finished, and it is a light in Daddy's life right now. He had some really good days...a number 6 or so he said. (He lets us know how he feels in numbers on a scale from 1 to 10, and usually he is about a 2). I went with Mama to pick him up on Sunday, and he talked all the way home to me. He was so excited and looked so good in his jeans, cap, and button up shirt compared to his usual attire of sweats. When we got home he broke down in tears because he said he was starting to think he was never going to feel that good again. I pray that Daddy has many many more high number days ahead!

Thank you for all your support and prayers!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Praying for good news Friday

Friday we will find out if Daddy is eligible for a clinical drug - chemo in the form of a pill. The pill, if he is eligible, will keep the cancer cells from being able to communicate to each other so that they cannot multiply. The drug name is Tarceva. I am really really hoping that he can take this pill, because I think that if he can't, he will have to be talked into doing chemotherapy intravenously and radiation again. He and his body just can't take much more.

It amazes me how much the affects on people who are going through chemotherapy vary. I mean, some people seem to function through life the same, as to where Daddy can hardly make it out of the bed some days. Yesterday he stayed in the bed most of the day because his joints hurt too bad to move. That is a side affect of the radiation. It is KILLING me to watch him like this. And I hate to admit it, and it brings tears to my eyes just writing it, but I am starting to see him more as my sick Daddy than the Daddy I had before he was sick. I know that is awful, but it has been this way for almost 7 months. I feel so helpless because I can't make it better. I sit hear with tears rolling down my face....I never could have imagined my stong, invincible, stubborn, energetic Daddy like this. You used to have to beg him to sit down for 5 it's a struggle for him to get up for 5 minutes. Life can change at any moment...

He is miserable...he tells Mama things that he doesn't tell me. I know he doesn't want me to know. But he tells Mama that this isn't "living". I don't want him to suffer. I really don't. I feel selfish wanting him to keep fighting so that he is here for ME, for MY future children. But, I simply can't imagine life without him. I think...what if he just has to go through this 2 more years, 3 more years? And then he is cancer free and has 20+ more years of a healthy life? But, I don't know what he's going through. I don't know how bad the pain is, how severe the headaches are, or what it feels like to walk down a hallway and it feels like I've ran a marathon. And I know, through all this, he is thinking how it affects me, Mama & Christi more than it affects him. That is just the man he is.

I am going to the doctor appointment Friday. Please please please pray for good news. Please pray for Daddy to have good days...and to have hope. I think it is starting to run thin.

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