Friday we will find out if Daddy is eligible for a clinical drug - chemo in the form of a pill. The pill, if he is eligible, will keep the cancer cells from being able to communicate to each other so that they cannot multiply. The drug name is Tarceva. I am really really hoping that he can take this pill, because I think that if he can't, he will have to be talked into doing chemotherapy intravenously and radiation again. He and his body just can't take much more.
It amazes me how much the affects on people who are going through chemotherapy vary. I mean, some people seem to function through life the same, as to where Daddy can hardly make it out of the bed some days. Yesterday he stayed in the bed most of the day because his joints hurt too bad to move. That is a side affect of the radiation. It is KILLING me to watch him like this. And I hate to admit it, and it brings tears to my eyes just writing it, but I am starting to see him more as my sick Daddy than the Daddy I had before he was sick. I know that is awful, but it has been this way for almost 7 months. I feel so helpless because I can't make it better. I sit hear with tears rolling down my face....I never could have imagined my stong, invincible, stubborn, energetic Daddy like this. You used to have to beg him to sit down for 5 minutes...now it's a struggle for him to get up for 5 minutes. Life can change at any moment...
He is miserable...he tells Mama things that he doesn't tell me. I know he doesn't want me to know. But he tells Mama that this isn't "living". I don't want him to suffer. I really don't. I feel selfish wanting him to keep fighting so that he is here for ME, for MY future children. But, I simply can't imagine life without him. I think...what if he just has to go through this 2 more years, 3 more years? And then he is cancer free and has 20+ more years of a healthy life? But, I don't know what he's going through. I don't know how bad the pain is, how severe the headaches are, or what it feels like to walk down a hallway and it feels like I've ran a marathon. And I know, through all this, he is thinking how it affects me, Mama & Christi more than it affects him. That is just the man he is.
I am going to the doctor appointment Friday. Please please please pray for good news. Please pray for Daddy to have good days...and to have hope. I think it is starting to run thin.
It amazes me how much the affects on people who are going through chemotherapy vary. I mean, some people seem to function through life the same, as to where Daddy can hardly make it out of the bed some days. Yesterday he stayed in the bed most of the day because his joints hurt too bad to move. That is a side affect of the radiation. It is KILLING me to watch him like this. And I hate to admit it, and it brings tears to my eyes just writing it, but I am starting to see him more as my sick Daddy than the Daddy I had before he was sick. I know that is awful, but it has been this way for almost 7 months. I feel so helpless because I can't make it better. I sit hear with tears rolling down my face....I never could have imagined my stong, invincible, stubborn, energetic Daddy like this. You used to have to beg him to sit down for 5 minutes...now it's a struggle for him to get up for 5 minutes. Life can change at any moment...
He is miserable...he tells Mama things that he doesn't tell me. I know he doesn't want me to know. But he tells Mama that this isn't "living". I don't want him to suffer. I really don't. I feel selfish wanting him to keep fighting so that he is here for ME, for MY future children. But, I simply can't imagine life without him. I think...what if he just has to go through this 2 more years, 3 more years? And then he is cancer free and has 20+ more years of a healthy life? But, I don't know what he's going through. I don't know how bad the pain is, how severe the headaches are, or what it feels like to walk down a hallway and it feels like I've ran a marathon. And I know, through all this, he is thinking how it affects me, Mama & Christi more than it affects him. That is just the man he is.
I am going to the doctor appointment Friday. Please please please pray for good news. Please pray for Daddy to have good days...and to have hope. I think it is starting to run thin.
Carla, We are continually praying for your dad. I know this has been hard on your family.
ReplyDelete"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1
I am praying for your dad and your family. Big huge hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteReading your blog brought tears to my eyes and my heart. I am so sorry that your dad and your family are going through this. It is something we as kids never want to consider and it breaks my heart for you. I can't even imagine...Try to stay positive and strong.
ReplyDeleteHey girl, I found your blog on Sarah's... You and your family will be in our prayers.. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete