Why does God...??

"Why does God want my cousins to have 3 kids in their family?" Kenna asked me on our way to church yesterday morning.

She first asked "Why are there 3 kids in my cousins family?"

"That's how many babies Aunt Jess had."

"Why?"

"Because that's how many God wanted their family to have"

...

"Mama, can we have 3 kids in our family?"

"Yes, if that's what God wants. We have to wait and see how many kids God wants in our family. But we know he wanted us to have you!"

...

Kenna - "Waiting is no fun".

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She is right. Waiting is no fun; especially when you are waiting on something you want SO BADLY.  It is so hard to comprehend why God chooses our struggles specifically for us. I believe God has chosen me to go through certain trials in my life so that I can share them with others; so that they may have a soft place to land by confiding in me their own struggles. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused and cheated on in my first marriage. I have suffered the loss of 3 unborn babies. I lost my best friend, my Daddy, almost 5 years ago to lung cancer. I suffer from depression and anxiety. And now we are trying to have a 2nd child, for 3 years now. I have had so many conversations with people because I have been through these things. I can empathize, understand, and listen with an open heart and mind. I don't always comprehend at the time "why me", but God has a way of showing his perfect timing in the end.

We are still waiting to adopt and still trying to have a baby "naturally" despite our odds. Our view is that "whatever God brings us first". I take NINETEEN pills a day for fertility boosting. (Don't worry - they're all safe). These include various vitamins, supplements and antioxidants, along with Chinese herbs. I have been going to a fertility acupuncturist once a week since last fall. So...I guess I am trying to "assist" God in bringing a baby! ;)

It was fitting that Kenna asked me "Why does God..." yesterday, as it was Daddy's birthday. I question so often why God took Daddy from this earth before he met Kenna, a child that would have made his whole world! But God also brought us Kenna at a time in our lives that were the hardest - we found out we were pregnant with Kenna just 2 weeks before Daddy passed. He has His perfect timing.

So, we wait.

Simultaneously Moving Forward

In a week from tonight, Brian and I will be attending an informational meeting at an adoption agency we are leaning towards - Bethany Christian Services.  I am excited and scared.  There are so many questions, yet, I don't know how to put the questions I have into words.  

Lately there have been a lot of "signs" pointing us towards adoption, which I feel we are destined to end up.  I met a lady at Kenna's gymnastics class who just adopted a baby boy, a precious baby boy, who is HER SON.  She is HIS MAMA.  Just seeing her hold him and love on him...there is no doubt.  She also has a biological daughter, but after finding out she had a chromosome issue, they decided to adopt instead of having another biological child. We happened to run into her and her family out to eat one night - completely random.  I think it was a sign. At the mall, at church, at preschool, at the Y today - I have seen so many parents with children that they have adopted (obviously).  AND, I received an email from a client with a link to his wife's blog about the story of adopting their baby girl after the wife struggled with secondary infertility after their first child because of endometriosis...ring a bell?

One of my biggest concerns with adoption is the nature vs nurture issue.  However, just because I didn't know all of Brian's ancestors (or mine for that matter), it didn't keep me from having a baby with him.  Plus, I know I have certain issues (anxiety & depression - which I take medication for and it stays under control, lung cancer runs in my dad's side, and horrible vision to name a few), but that didn't stop me from having Kenna, or trying to have another one.  EVERY family has their "issues", right?  We ALL have problems we have to deal with.  So, what is the difference in raising a child whom's genes I don't know exactly?  We are ALL God's children.  We are ALL different.  I think I just answered my own question.

So, the title is "simultaneously moving forward" - that's because I'm also taking medicine for fertility treatments.  Daily right now I take prescribed Estrace and Progesterone.  This is a certain protocol that is supposed to trick my body into doing what it should do on it's on, then try and get pregnant before it figures out that's not how it normally operates.  I also take recommended supplements and vitamins daily that make my purse sound like a walking medicine basket - CoQ10 (3x day), DHEA (3x day), prenatal vitamins, fish oil, and L-Arginine.   After this cycle (or the next) with all these meds, we are planning on doing one more IUI with Clomid.  I have come to terms that IVF is not for us.  

So, with all that said - WE ARE MOVING FORWARD.  I no longer feel stuck.  God is with us in our journey.  We are not alone.  I make a conscience effort to remember this every day, but it does bring some peace to some extent.  I also have a cute blonde headed green eyed little girl that makes things brighter :)  Thank God for her. 

The Continued Journey - Decisions, Decisions

Today, I am feeling stuck, yet all over the place with my emotions and thoughts.  I just need to write to get them all out, and pray at the same time.  

We did an IUI 2 weeks ago with Clomid - but, a negative pregnancy test this past Monday.  I kind of expected that, as in I didn't feel pregnant, but still, heartbroken.  

Today we had lunch with our Pastor to talk about the infertility and adoption.  He had some great insight, and some special stories to tell.  Talking to him was helpful, just to get some feelings out helps. This is such an emotional journey, with the only answers coming from yourself and God.  I think I'm a little bit in denial.  I mean, I've gotten pregnant 3 times in my life!  Granted, only 1 baby survived (a miracle apparently).  Sometimes I think maybe God gave my whole family Kenna at a time when we needed her most.  We found out we were pregnant with her 2 weeks before Daddy passed away.  It gave us joy in the midst of sorrow.

We know we want to do another IUI - the NP has a different protocol she wants to try with the 2nd one - some different medicines.  Now I'm trying to decide if I want to do an IVF too if the 2nd IUI doesn't work, even with the low chance I have been given that it would work (10-15% chance - but that's still a chance, right??).  The thing that holds me back from the IVF is the cost.  And we discussed that with our Pastor today too.  He said to think about it this way, either way you won't lose - you'll either have a baby at the end, or resolve that you did everything you could.  Either way, that is a lifelong purchase.  And if you amortize it out (like accountants do) not even a dollar a day for the rest of your life for that.  

Then part of me would be sad if we didn't adopt because I got pregnant.  Maybe somehow, by God's grace and a miracle, we do have another biological baby, would we still adopt anyway one day?  I wanted to be pregnant again...we were not going to find out the next time, wait until the baby was born to see if it's a boy or girl.  How exciting would that be???  And I loved being pregnant, BUT, a baby is a baby.  I don't love Kenna because she grew in my belly and she has my DNA.  I love her because we raise her. We love her.  We take care of her.  She is ours.  

Do we try the IVF, after another IUI?  Do we just move on if the next IUI doesn't work?  Can I completely shut the door emotionally on "doing all we could" for another biological child?  I don't know.  I need to pray about it.  Think about it.  Please pray for us to have clarity over the next few months, and patience with ourselves.

5-10% chance

We were told we have a 5-10% chance of IVF working, and even if it did, only a 10-15% chance of sustaining a pregnancy. All this boils down to the fact that my ovarian reserve (egg count) is extremely low. "I have nothing in my bag of tricks" he said. Such a blow. Such a heart break. I bawled as we left the office. I thought they would say "we'll just do this, you take this medicine and BAM! You'll have a baby!" My heart is broken.
We are going to do 3 cycles with Clomid, but after busy season because of the side effects. He also suggested some vitamin supplements which I'm going to try.
Right now, I'm still in shock and still trying to digest the news. I'm having a hard time accepting that at 32 I may not be able to get pregnant again.
Adoption is an option. But, I have to close the door on infertility before I can emotionally move forward with adoption. That is a long emotional road all in itself.
I walked in "the baby's room" in our house yesterday for something. The crib, bassinet and baby toys are all in there waiting. It hurt all over again.
Don't get me wrong. I know how blessed we are with Kenna. She is such an amazing child and I'm so proud she is mine. I think about how much I love my sister, how much Brian loves his siblings, and I want that for Kenna too.
Thank you for your sweet messages and your prayers. They are needed and so appreciated.
Love,
Carla

Gray Hair & "Old" Ovaries

I found my first gray hair at 17 years old. I would now estimate about 40% of my hair to be gray. Thank goodness for hairstylists and hair color that hide it. That's an easy fix.

However, being told this past week that my ovaries look older than I am, well, that isn't an easy fix. Apparently my ovaries look like I'm 40 based on an ultrasound that was done last Wednesday - and I'm 32. I also had some blood work done which the results came in yesterday and confirmed the original prognosis. They tested my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) level, which came back at a "very low" 0.3 ng/mL which, according to the Nurse Practitioner, they want to be at least a 1.0. Simply put, this test measures the number of eggs you have left.

Needless to say, I'm blind-sided with this new information. I mean, I knew there was something probably going on, like my endometriosis causing the infertility issues, and we could do a simple IUI (intra uterine insemination) and all would be dandy and I'd be pregnant! The NP said that there is hope but they would want to be very aggressive with my fertility treatments if we choose to do any. I asked if it was something that I did, and she said no, that sometimes it's genetics and sometimes they just don't know the cause of low AMH levels.  

We will go back in about 2 weeks and have another test done that will show if there is any scarring in my uterus from my C-Section with Kenna or from my endometriosis. This will give light on whether or not a baby would be able to attach itself to the lining.   

I do encourage anyone who is trying to get pregnant, and has not gotten pregnant in 6 months of actively (ovulation tests, charting, timing, etc) trying to consider getting a fertility consult done. It will not hurt anything to just know if there is something going on. I thought I had to at least 35 until I'd have to worry, but now, at 32, time is of the essence for me.  

I know deep down we are not done growing our family, I'm just not sure which path we will take to get there. I am so thankful to have a wonderful & supportive husband, a loving family,  and great friends and co-workers to talk to and lean on. But most of all, an almighty God who knows what is best. We will have some BIG decisions to make in the next month or so, so I ask for prayers of guidance and peace for us. 

Nashville Fertility Center - Here we come.

Part of me secretly thought it would never come to this.  I really thought that it would happen on it's own.  However, it hasn't! We had some tests ran. My thyroid is normal. And Brian's test, well, his results were "phenomenal" per the nurse who gave him his results ;)
So, we have been referred to the Nashville Fertility Center. Lots of paperwork has been completed, and now we wait to schedule our consultation. There are so many questions in our heads...how far will we go?  How much money will we spend? We have decided to take it one day at a time, that's all we can do anyway, right?  I'm anxious for the consultation and to see what our steps are.  I feel better just knowing that there is help, and that we are asking for it.  For anyone who has really had to "try" to get pregnant, you know the emotional toll it brings.  After a while, that roller coaster starts to bring you down.  So, we are moving forward!  Here we go...

Our Ongoing Journey to Baby #2

I have decided to share our experience in hopes that I can encourage someone else, and receive encouragement.  I have learned in my life that when I share things I have gone through, or that I am going through, I can open the door for other people to have someone to talk to when otherwise they wouldn't.  I have been through a lot in my 32 year old life, and I am willing to share with others in hope that I can help someone else.

So, here is the story of our current journey...

It only took 5 months to get pregnant with Kenna with no complications. We started in December of 2010 trying to have another baby and a sibling for Kenna.  6 months later in May of 2011 we learned we were pregnant!  We were so excited!!  I had to have early blood work because in 2003 I had an ectopic pregnancy which left a damaged fallopian tube and increases your risks to having another ectopic pregnancy.  To learn more about ectopic pregnancies, click here.  The blood work showed that my HCG levels were not increasing as they should be.  We had an early ultrasound that showed the baby was developing behind schedule.  We continued with blood work for a few weeks, which still showed my HCG was increasing, but not at the rate it should be.  However, I had started to experience nausea and felt like things were going to be ok!  We had another ultrasound on July 19th, 2011 that showed the baby had not developed at all and that there was a 99% chance the pregnancy would miscarriage.  We had a D&C the next day.  My heart was broken.

We tried again, month after month, for a year without any success.  I feared something was wrong, and went to see my doctor because I had been diagnosed with endometriosis with my ectopic pregnancy in 2003.  I had laparoscopic surgery on August 30th of this year to determine if it was back, and it was back, along with findings that my left fallopian tube is almost completely damaged and not "usable" from the ectopic pregnancy.  Also, the scar tissue from my c-section with Kenna was excessive and was causing my uterus to be moved up and against my abdomen - in a place it should not be.  My doctor fixed what he could, and told me after surgery he was optimistic we would be able to get pregnant.  We were told to try 6 more months, and if we are still not pregnant, we will be talking to a fertility specialist.  We have been trying now for 3 months post surgery with no baby on the way...YET.  We just crossed the 2 years of trying mark...which for anyone who has really had to "try" to get pregnant, you know the emotional roller coaster that each month brings.

We consider ourselves so blessed with Kenna who is perfectly healthy and happy.  My goal was to have Kenna and her brother or sister 2 years apart, and we are getting closer to 4 years apart now if we were to get pregnant anytime soon.  We just continue to pray for a healthy and happy baby in our near future, and continue to thank God for the beautiful little girl we have.

I wanted to share our journey, because there is such a thing as second child infertility, which not many people have heard of.  For those of you that are still trying for your first, please try to be patient with yourself, and talk to your doctor if you feel you need to.  Trust me, I know being patient is much easier said than done...and hearing "just relax and it will happen" gets really old!  Please share your story with me or share my story with someone else, and we can encourage each other.

Love,

Carla