The story of the stolen car

You know...sometimes God flashes HUGE signs in front of us that we either ignore, or simply don't see because, you know what they say about love. It's blind.

It was my 22nd birthday, September 16th. Daddy had bought me one of those awesome CD changers where the face comes off. I was so excited. It was for my beloved Honda Accord coupe. 

I didn't go out that night, I was in school and I had a test the next day. I was living with a roommate and both our dogs. *Ben (actually, let's call him Bart, Ben is too nice of a name) was staying with us most nights at this point. I should add that this is a year before I married Bart. Bart wanted to go out, so he took my car. He didn't have a car.

I was woken up around 3am to loud laughing in the living room of the apartment. I went out there to to find 2 thug looking guys on my couch who I had never met, along with Bart. They were clearly trashed. I told Bart to the side to get them out of my house, I had no idea who they were. He told me I was crazy and just to take my crazy ass back to bed. I knew I wasn't going to win this battle, so I grabbed Toby, my dog and laid in bed until it was quiet and I went back to sleep. 

I woke up at like 5, all was quiet and I went out to the living room. Bart was passed out on the couch. I looked around and saw my purse on the kitchen table. All my cash, my debit card, MY KEYS were gone.

I ran outside to the parking lot. My car was gone. I ran back in and tried to wake him up, asking him where the F*CK my car was. He was no use. He couldn't even talk, still too drunk.

My roommate drove me to my parents house and I told Daddy what had happened. Daddy drove me back to the apartment, his gun with him. We had no idea if these guys were coming back...what we would come back to. We walked up to the door to hear a blaring noise. It was my alarm clock. He was still passed out, no budging. Daddy banged on the door until he finally unlocked it. Remember, I had no keys. I don't know how he managed to get up and lock the door. 

Daddy told him to get his ass up he was taking him "home". I don't even remember where that was at that point. Maybe his brother's. It was over, it was done. I couldn't be with someone who would bring random people to my house without my permission. And they had STOLEN my car. Luckily, my car was found 2 weeks later abandoned in a parking lot. Of course it had been stripped, along with my new CD changer. 

I had decided the relationship was over. Of course it was. Until about 3-4 weeks later when I discovered I was pregnant.

That story will be next...

The Story of bar hopping

*Ben had a knack for just not coming home at night. This is before iPhones. Before you could "track your friends". These were Blackberry days. He worked downtown and a lot of his line of work would be to wine and dine. Funny I was never invited to these events.

One night we were supposed to actually have dinner at home. Together. A rarity.

5:30 came. Then 6. So I called. No answer. 

7 came. 8 o'clock passed. No calls. No answers.

It MAKES YOU CRAZY. They warned me. There were bets on how long the marriage would last. 

We lived almost to Nolensville. I was tired of being the waiting wife that night in particular. A lot of nights when he did come home, I'd be lying there just waiting into the early morning hours. When I heard the garage door, I'd turn out any lights and get still as a mouse. I didn't want him to know I'd been waiting. Pathetic he'd say.

So this one night in particular I was determined to find *Ben. I went alone on a Friday night downtown Nashville to at least 7-8 bars. All these happy, dancing, laughing people. Couples. Friends. They had no idea. I'd search every room. I probably looked like a crazy woman. Crying. Just desperate.

I never did find him that night. He never came home either. One of many. So so many. Not counting the nights he was sleeping in a jail cell. But that's for another story. 

The story of the unfurnished room

Our brain has a way of protecting ourselves by keeping us from remembering all pieces of a traumatic experience or time in our lives. A lot of parts of my first marriage are blurry, just glimpses of time that sometimes pop up, just little bits of certain moments. Not knowing when it happened, why or where along that part of my life it was. Some of it is such a blur...but there is one moment that is played over and over.

We had this nice house, with almost all of the rooms furnished but one. It was to the left when you walked in the front door...I guess what you might call the sitting room. It was carpeted, with a railing around the wall. The rest of the house was furnished with little decor but nice furniture. 

I don't know what I did to set him off in the middle of the day, but I was thrown against the wall in that unfurnished room. My whole body going up in the air and across the room until I hit the railing on the wall and then slid down. Before I could get up I was being kicked. In the stomach. In the back. I fought for him to stop, but he just yelled "crazy bitch" at me and some other things I don't remember.

The next moment his hands were around my neck, choking me. I do remember thinking, this is it. He's going to kill me. I fought and I scratched for what seemed forever. I don't know why, but he let go. Walked upstairs and went to bed. 

I was too scared to call anyone. I may have not been able to. One time he broke my phone on the kitchen floor - but I don't remember if that was this same day.

I went upstairs and laid on the bonus room couch, blankly watching TV. After he woke up, he came in, laid his head in my lap with his pillow, like nothing ever happened. I was too scared to move. The only thing that lingered were the bruises on my neck.

Talking my stories out

My dear friend Amanda McNeal took these photos of me a few weeks back. She drew the sketch out and had her art in mind and I had no idea what she would create from the images. After looking at the picture and studying it, I see how it was perfectly meant for me. The current Carla has a healthy and happy life moving forward in time, but she also drags the old me behind her, looking over her, trying to save her. I have nightmares, a lot of them, so my subconscious cannot escape my past. The present me carries the past me on her shoulders every day. My psychiatrist told me that I haven't "talked them to death" - meaning I haven't shared my painful stories enough to just get them out.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Thankfully there is medication that helps me with these mental sicknesses. There are several reasons I believe I struggle from both - one genes, and the other the events of my life so far. I have decided to change the theme of this blog to being pieces of my story. I hope that one, it allows healing for me, and two, that it opens the door for others to also talk about their story, common experiences, or current struggles.

A lot of these stories I will use fictitious names to give others privacy. I hope that whoever reads this will benefit in some way, or can share it with someone else who may just need to hear that they are not alone.

Time to let go,

Carla

A Miracle In the Making

If you go back a few blogs, you'll see that over 2 years ago we were told we only had a 5-10% chance of ever having another baby. That is why I call this baby our Miracle #2. Actually, if you actually learn the ins and outs of what REALLY has to happen to make a baby...ALL babies are miracles. I've been so open with our journey so far - infertility and adoption - I shouldn't stop now. So, I'll share this baby's story.

In December/January, I decided that I had to do the most extensive of fertility treatments so I knew we had done everything that we could to have a biological baby. So, we started down the IVF road. You have to attend a class and pay lots of money up front. (In some states, infertility treatments are covered by insurance; Tennessee is NOT one of those states).

We got started on injections, and for me this consisted of up to 3 shots in the morning in my abdomen and 3-4 shots in the evening. I took the highest dosages for egg stimulation as possible. They want you to have at least 5 mature eggs for you to continue the IVF cycle, so there is a better chance of conception.

The spread...

A friend took half the dosage I did and got 27 eggs! Me... after 10-12 days of shots, I had ONE. So, our nurse asked us if we wanted to cancel this cycle & try again. I knew that this was our only go with all the medications and the cost, so we did cancel the IVF (no choice since only 1 egg) and instead did an IUI - intrauterine insemination.  This was our 4th IUI in about 2 years. A week after the IUI you give yourself another shot to help the uterus to sustain a viable pregnancy, and then you have to wait another 3 weeks after that to take a pregnancy test.

The night before I was due to take my test, it took forever to fall asleep. I knew in the morning I'd have to test and see the same negative sign I've seen for the past 4-5 years. I dreamed I dropped all my tests in the toilet by accident - very stressful! When I woke up, on February 5th, Brian was already gone to the office. I took TWO tests, laid them on the sink, then got back in bed. Kenna woke up and got in bed with me then I had to get up to take Abby out. I walked into the bathroom - and I was frozen to see 2 tests with 2 pink strips! I could NOT believe my eyes. I just stared for what seemed an hour with Abby whining at my feet. I go outside and call Brian...I say "well, I took my test..." He said "yeah...are you ok?" I about yelled "IT WAS POSITIVE!". I don't think I worked a lick that day.

Doctors don't always know the answer. 5% is STILL 5%. Have faith.

As for the adoption, they had to close our case after we were past the 1st trimester. We didn't get any of our fees that we paid in back, but we do get a discount if we decide to adopt in the next 3 years. I was sad the day the closed our case. We still have a heart for adoption. It was just a little over a  year ago we thought a baby was coming into our home in just 3 weeks, but then the birth mother changed her mind. We may have our plans, but God has the master plan! 

Why does God...??

"Why does God want my cousins to have 3 kids in their family?" Kenna asked me on our way to church yesterday morning.

She first asked "Why are there 3 kids in my cousins family?"

"That's how many babies Aunt Jess had."

"Why?"

"Because that's how many God wanted their family to have"

...

"Mama, can we have 3 kids in our family?"

"Yes, if that's what God wants. We have to wait and see how many kids God wants in our family. But we know he wanted us to have you!"

...

Kenna - "Waiting is no fun".

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She is right. Waiting is no fun; especially when you are waiting on something you want SO BADLY.  It is so hard to comprehend why God chooses our struggles specifically for us. I believe God has chosen me to go through certain trials in my life so that I can share them with others; so that they may have a soft place to land by confiding in me their own struggles. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused and cheated on in my first marriage. I have suffered the loss of 3 unborn babies. I lost my best friend, my Daddy, almost 5 years ago to lung cancer. I suffer from depression and anxiety. And now we are trying to have a 2nd child, for 3 years now. I have had so many conversations with people because I have been through these things. I can empathize, understand, and listen with an open heart and mind. I don't always comprehend at the time "why me", but God has a way of showing his perfect timing in the end.

We are still waiting to adopt and still trying to have a baby "naturally" despite our odds. Our view is that "whatever God brings us first". I take NINETEEN pills a day for fertility boosting. (Don't worry - they're all safe). These include various vitamins, supplements and antioxidants, along with Chinese herbs. I have been going to a fertility acupuncturist once a week since last fall. So...I guess I am trying to "assist" God in bringing a baby! ;)

It was fitting that Kenna asked me "Why does God..." yesterday, as it was Daddy's birthday. I question so often why God took Daddy from this earth before he met Kenna, a child that would have made his whole world! But God also brought us Kenna at a time in our lives that were the hardest - we found out we were pregnant with Kenna just 2 weeks before Daddy passed. He has His perfect timing.

So, we wait.

Simultaneously Moving Forward

In a week from tonight, Brian and I will be attending an informational meeting at an adoption agency we are leaning towards - Bethany Christian Services.  I am excited and scared.  There are so many questions, yet, I don't know how to put the questions I have into words.  

Lately there have been a lot of "signs" pointing us towards adoption, which I feel we are destined to end up.  I met a lady at Kenna's gymnastics class who just adopted a baby boy, a precious baby boy, who is HER SON.  She is HIS MAMA.  Just seeing her hold him and love on him...there is no doubt.  She also has a biological daughter, but after finding out she had a chromosome issue, they decided to adopt instead of having another biological child. We happened to run into her and her family out to eat one night - completely random.  I think it was a sign. At the mall, at church, at preschool, at the Y today - I have seen so many parents with children that they have adopted (obviously).  AND, I received an email from a client with a link to his wife's blog about the story of adopting their baby girl after the wife struggled with secondary infertility after their first child because of endometriosis...ring a bell?

One of my biggest concerns with adoption is the nature vs nurture issue.  However, just because I didn't know all of Brian's ancestors (or mine for that matter), it didn't keep me from having a baby with him.  Plus, I know I have certain issues (anxiety & depression - which I take medication for and it stays under control, lung cancer runs in my dad's side, and horrible vision to name a few), but that didn't stop me from having Kenna, or trying to have another one.  EVERY family has their "issues", right?  We ALL have problems we have to deal with.  So, what is the difference in raising a child whom's genes I don't know exactly?  We are ALL God's children.  We are ALL different.  I think I just answered my own question.

So, the title is "simultaneously moving forward" - that's because I'm also taking medicine for fertility treatments.  Daily right now I take prescribed Estrace and Progesterone.  This is a certain protocol that is supposed to trick my body into doing what it should do on it's on, then try and get pregnant before it figures out that's not how it normally operates.  I also take recommended supplements and vitamins daily that make my purse sound like a walking medicine basket - CoQ10 (3x day), DHEA (3x day), prenatal vitamins, fish oil, and L-Arginine.   After this cycle (or the next) with all these meds, we are planning on doing one more IUI with Clomid.  I have come to terms that IVF is not for us.  

So, with all that said - WE ARE MOVING FORWARD.  I no longer feel stuck.  God is with us in our journey.  We are not alone.  I make a conscience effort to remember this every day, but it does bring some peace to some extent.  I also have a cute blonde headed green eyed little girl that makes things brighter :)  Thank God for her.